I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
