Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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