JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
