I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
