Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
