He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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