So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
