Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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