Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
