i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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