god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
