I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
