I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
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I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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