so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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