The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
