What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he fucked my hip out of place.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
