I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
