It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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