her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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