saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
