I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
