Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
