i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
