I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
