I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
