I heard we made out
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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