I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
