I will die if light touches me.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
