i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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