i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
True college students do jello shots in the library
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
