Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
