Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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