Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
