if i can run in heels then i can drive
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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