Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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