I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
