Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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