Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
