ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
