tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
