Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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