I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
