There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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