i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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