Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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