Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
