well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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