WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
