I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
