I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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