I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
