That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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