Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My cat gives me a boner
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
