He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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