if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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