Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
