I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
