Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
