I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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