dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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