Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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