In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
