he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
