I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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