Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
